March 10th, 2015
All my life I had been a fighter. Giving up was no option. Above all I always fought for justice. Hardly ever for my own. It was injustice to other people that made me jump up in a flash raising my voice. And, there was only black and white. No gray nuances, as somebody once told me. However, I always believed in the good. How naïve …
Always doing my own thing and following my own way, I never had been overly interested in what other people might think about me. Following the way I was brought up, I always had been friendly, nice, helpful and working hard. Well, not always, but school doesn’t count here, right? ;)
Whenever someone needed something, I was there. Always trying to please everyone, I was never selfish enough to pay close attention to doing things just for my well-being.
For me it worked. It worked out fine for decades. Maybe it was not a very noble life, but who cares? When I started writing books and scripts it became my mantra to say ‘I’ll take some of the money, the rest plus the fame can be sent to Hollywood. Should they share it between themselves, I couldn’t care less. Paparazzi would cry in their camera lenses so boring am I.’
And then suddenly from one day to the other, it seemed like the hell itself opened its gates above me and started to throw up. Every time I thought it couldn’t get worse, it got worse.
Many, many years ago a colleague and I had a discussion about how much a person is able to endure. Even back then we had the suspicion that it is much more we can imagine. Today I know for sure that it is so much more, not even in your wildest dreams you would imagine!
However, right from the beginning there was something feeling really strange.
All my life, I had a very good intuition. I really lived by the saying ‘when your gut instincts tell you …’ Up to that time, I had a hit ratio of about 90%. It climbed to 95% in the year 2001. That year I lost two of the most important people in my life and I was so desperately seeking answers that … well, I don’t want to pour out my emotions here, but I guess this year I opened kinda channel we all have, but most of us will never gain access to. It seemed to be that channel that forms intuition into just knowing and when listening carefully it never fails. Honestly, it needs much more than desperation and the desire for answers. It needs an extreme situation and the deepest belief that there is more between heaven and earth than … ya know! Without that I am pretty sure this channel keeps locked up.
Although everybody told me that I was wrong, it seemed to be exactly that channel that supported those strange feelings. Not only the strange feeling that things happen for a reason. I came to this conclusion no less than three years later, no, it was the strange feeling that either there was someone behind all the odd events, the strange reactions of people making me feeling like enemy of the state or that it was this weird coincident where suddenly several people not knowing each other start doing the same things out of no reason.
Ultimately I can tell you, what looks like duck, quacks like a duck and swims like a duck is usually also a duck. In this case, individuals who couldn’t believe that there is a person who fights her way through all the obstacles, tricks no matter how mean, problems and difficulties life has to offer without giving up or going down. Thus, the clearer it got that there is no way to make me lose faith, the harder they tried and finally … There is nothing left, not even dear personal belonging. All gone, stolen or trashed. A life below the poverty line. Nothing what one could take from me because there is nothing there. Nothing one could do to me because I had it all. Nothing except for a total lack of understanding why somebody would do this to a person. How can someone be so … NO! It serves no purpose to think this thought through because I always lived by the belief that those kind of things say more about the other person than about me period. In the end the truth will be uncovered.
Now, you wanna know what hell is like? How it feels? I can tell you: Hell is not the blazing firestorm we imagine it to be. No. Hell is a pitch black, icy maze. You are all alone. You know for sure that there is only one way out of this maze, and this is what you have to find: the exit. So you start wandering through the corridors of darkness which seem to crush you to death. You hear nothing; no sound gets through. You do not see anything because there is no window to let even a tiny flash of light in. You only feel iciness, crawling up your limbs and paralyzing them. You know that if you stand still for only one second you won’t be able to escape the icy clutches of this prison, so you keep walking, hoping to find the exit behind the next corner. And, finally, after searching for years, there it is. Right in front of you. You go through the door and are welcome by a warm spring sun and the chirping of the birdies.
Great, huh? Yeah a great allegory the last sentence, but only that. Hey, we’re not in Disney dreamland here! So, what’s the fabula docet now? Wandering around trusting nobody? Lying and deceiving your way up? Not giving up and fighting for your rights? Honestly? I have no idea! My intuition tells me that this had happened for a reason. Is it the transformation of the own behavior and thinking pattern? The fact that where nothing is left, you are kinda free? Or maybe it is just the new learned experience that even if you cannot believe it, your being deceived by the people closest to you who are sometimes your worst enemies just because they have the opportunity and are just mean. Maybe it is the knowing of the fact that some people just cannot stand other people’s talent, vision or strength because they themselves are just weak. Losers who never achieved anything.
Or maybe it is everything together. Knowing the emotions, the desperation, the loneliness, all the questions and above all an intuition that hardly every fails. And, the wish when not being able to change the own situation, then at least being able to help others. Help others to change, to understand, to see, to feel and to realize. Not for money, not for fame, not for a ‘thank you’ or for craving a weird kind of attention, but only because I am feeling much better with doing so instead of longing for revenge.
Thank you for taking the time to read this xoxoxo